Another Potential Embarrassment

 

Fate has been conspiring against me of late.  The foot, the weather, any other excuse I can find to blame my lack of desire to exercise, just insert lame excuse here______.

Today was no different.  It was suppose to be the last long run before next Saturday.  And seeing that it was pouring this morning an outside run was out of the question.  So in all my wisdom I fixed breakfast for the fam and waited until the little ones laid down for a nap to head off to the gym.  Well mistake number one for the day was waking up. Mistake number two was eating a greasy breakfast.  A half a mile into it I started the tell tale signs of the “scoots”, if you know what I mean.  At mile 2 I had to jump of the treadmill and hot foot it to the bathroom (thank God I was inside today and near a lou).   Now you’re thinking, everything is fine…  Well you’d be wrong!!!  The next three miles were spent running with clenched cheeks of terror.  (Why did I pick the treadmill the furthest from the bathroom???)

All I can say is, at least I got in 5 miles.  I couldn’t bring myself to show my face in the gym after a second sprint to the bathroom.  I might have gotten a new nick name if I did ( Madam craps a lot or Senora Scoots).   But it Indy or bust in  7 days.  Watch out fellow runners who may be near me in coral Q, I could need to cut across you to a port-a-pot  at a moments notice.

Thinking of making Jen ride this during the race for me.

Only 3 more days until vacation…Lets make like a baby and head out.

Sweat Much?

 

You know what is awesome about getting close to race day?  Tapering!!!!  Just an excuse to run a little less and still feel superior.  In all actuality I just wasn’t feeling it today so I spent the majority of my time on the elliptical machine (30 minutes) and then ran a mile and a half at warp speed.  Translation= a 10 min mile.  I wish I could say that I was joking but this girl has really slid a long way from where she was last summer.  I should probably have given up a long time ago and went to hide in a hole somewhere until I can be of more use.  Stupid feet!

This was the look on my face the whole mile…horror.

 

Here is a question for you, how can someone run for 40 minutes and not sweat at all?  Now I would like for you all to believe that this is me, and I’m so in shape I never sweat.  But seriously,  there is a girl who frequents the gym around the time that I do and I see her run for longer than I do and girl never breaks a sweat.  She’s breathing heavy and seems to be putting in serious effort but not a drop of perspiration to be found!!!  It’s unnatural and scares me.  I’m a dripping mess 10 minutes into any type of exertion. Just ask the towel that I have to carry around to mop myself up after a run.

At least I’m not this guy…

 

And by the way, you know who you are and you should be ashamed!!! Stop parking in the handicapped parking spots when you obviously are not handicapped and you are just running into subway to pick up a foot long meatball sub.  That space is legally NOT YOURS!!!

Yoga here I come

 

Four miles on the treadmill at a 10:45 pace.  I was way awesome and super amazing.  No on could possible match this feat in all of history.  Ok, so maybe not, at least I got off my butt and did something today to make myself less of a looser.

 

What I was surprised about was  how much better it felt on the treadmill.  No incline, better shock absorption, climate control, and no chance of rain.  If I could just get a treadmill in the house I could then enjoy the convenience of my cable; I’d be set!  Although I do enjoy the scenery of the outdoors and the fact that I have less excuse to run a shorter distance.  Oh, well, either way after May 5th I’m going to have to take a serious break from running to heal.  It’s going to be difficult, maybe I’ll take up Yoga…

Hello anus!

Well hello again! We’ve got to stop meeting this way.

 

 

I have no words…

 

Just so you know So You Think You Can Dance starts May 24th.  Set the DVR and don’t bother calling, I’m busy!!!

I think Jane Fonda and I could sweat up a storm, or I could just laugh really hard and burn some calories that way.

 

Only 4 more work days until vacation.  Can you feel it?

My socks made me fail

 

This morning was PERFECT weather for a run.  Now, if only I had a body designed for running I could be really happy.  But alas, I have a broken down, aging, slightly overweight body that can’t seem to move as fast as it used to.  I did not let that get me down.  Out I went and into uncharted territory (no really, I went down some back country roads that I was not sure would take me back to civilization.)  The plan was to go 10 miles.  As we all know plans are meant to be broken.  After a mile of warming up my left foot I felt good.  I kept it at a slow pace, purposely, because I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to make it 10 miles at a 10:00 pace.

True story, couldn’t find matching socks today.  Hope the horses didn’t mind my lack of style.

 

Around mile 4 I could feel that my knees were not going to hold up well.  This last month has been spent exclusively on the treadmill and with no incline, which has been good for the feet but not good for training.  I almost died near mile 7 then pulled it back together after a particularly rough hill and finished up with 8.3 miles.  The route I chose today had so many hills.  Why are there so many hills?????  And asphalt, why is it so hard???? I think I will have to get a few more outside runs in to get ready. Hey Jen, how's your training going? 

 

Sorry I asked… I’ll assume that it is going as well as mine. Let’s just make sure we are not last.

Our goal is to NOT die on May 5th. That and avoid the dreaded DNF.  We could take the wagon with us and take turns towing each other every other mile.

 

Guess what I saw this morning in the field next to my house.

Yeah, that’s corn.  In April!!!!  Who are these farmers and why are they planting so early.  It’s suppose to frost tonight.  Do they have really large sheets that they are going to place over the corn tonight to prevent crop failure much like my grandma Dolly used to do to her garden?  I know it was really warm here in March but golly gee wiz…it won't be knee high by July, it will be knee high by June!!!

 

Only six more working days until my next vacation.  Hurry up May 2nd!!!

What are you looking forward to?

You’re gonna cry

 

Try to watch this and not cry your eyes out.  This is why I am a nurse for adults.

 

That’s it. I’m giving some bone marrow.

Biggest Loser Fail

 

4 miles completed on the treadmill and then another 15 minutes spent on the elliptical staring at the blue hairs while they walked and talked passed gas around me.  Why is it that I can feel fine while in the act of running but hurt so bad an hour after being done?  It doesn’t make any sense to me.  Maybe I should take up water aerobics instead, seems less dangerous and less injury prone…

People have so much fun here and I could defiantly tell who was farting in the pool.

I haven’t watched biggest loser in the last few seasons.  Mainly because I felt so horrible while eating a pint of ice cream while watching other work out.  But on Tuesday when I put in some TM time at the gym after work someone had tuned into Biggest Loser and I forgot my ear buds, so Bob Harper it was.  Of course I wasn’t disappointed by the “plot”.  Contestants were going to walk off the show because they heard that all the old contestants of that season were coming back for a challenge where they could possibly earn a spot back on the show. 

Really?!?!?!? Anyone who has seen Biggest Loser knows that there is always a challenge where someone gets a chance to come back!!!  And then they brought in the lawyer to explain to the current contestants about the CONTRACTS they signed.  Which clearly states what will happen in the show, by the way. 

You signed a contact!!! You should have to honor it.  Quite whining and complaining about a legally binding contract that you signed in order to get some free personal training and life changing advice.  When is it ok to decided that you shouldn’t have to honor your word?  I’m lost with this one.  Grow up people!!!

Sure Bob, I'll be on next season.

17 days

 

Only 17 days until the Indianapolis Mini Marathon…

 

I believe that I’m slightly underprepared.

I could dance if I wanted to

 

This past week has been right on track for my scheduled half marathon training. I managed to run 8 miles on Saturday (on the treadmill).  I purposely ran at a slower pace so that I knew I would finish.  Then this morning I got in 4.6 miles on the TM.  And I've only wanted to cut my foot off once or twice.  Score!!!

During my run I kept flipping back and forth on Pandora between my “Jay-Z & Linkin Park” station and the “Pink” station.  I just couldn’t get into a groove and I require a groove when running.  It’s sad but my good runs depend on great music by at least 80%.  A certain song can make or break me.  At one point Pandora selected a Leona Lewis song, “Bleeding in Love” which is a decent song but not exactly running worthy. 

During it all I could think about was Chelsea and Mark from So You Think You Can Dance. Which by the way was an awesome dance.  Which reminds me, I need to start practicing if  I plan on winning this season…

 

 

 

After showering in an extraordinarily small shower at the gym I finally went to my annual lady parts visit.  I hadn’t been since the 6 week check up of my youngest child over 2 years ago.  I was slightly embarrassed to see the doctor at this point.  But I sucked it up and went.  Mostly so I could look really cute in the diamond shaped cape.

 

I almost wore it home but thought they would probably just send me a bill for it later.  So now that I got the all clear I can dread the next visit for another year. 

 

Tonight I attend a kickin’ 6 year old birthday party for this dude.

Father’s you better lock up your daughters, he’s got long lashes and great lips, and only 9-12 more years to go before he gets to start terrorizing the ladies.  Love you Jack!!!

Back on track

 

This week has been a great running week, albeit on the treadmill, but good.  Monday I did my planned 3 miles at the butt crack of dawn before going in to work and much to my surprise I didn’t die.  Yesterday was a 5 mile run that seemed to go on forever but I kept to a 10:35 pace much to my pleasure.  And then today was another 3 mile run.  I’m already ahead of last weeks miles by 50 billion.  And on the plus side no one picked a treadmill next to me and assaulted me with gas today. Win for me!!!

I’m hoping that my sister is ready run a super slow half in May so that I don’t have to look like a tard with a bum foot who couldn’t train adequately.  I hate talking to strangers during a race when I’m sucking wind but trying to look cool, so difficult.

 

It’s actually been a pretty productive week.  I managed to finish a purse that I started sewing 6 months or more ago.

 

And I made my own coffee creamer that turns out to be way cheaper than buying it from the store.

I’m thinking about running away with this concoction…

 

And later today it’s parent teacher conference time for Little Girl #1.  It’s going to go something like this:

Teacher: Your child is a pleasure to have in class, however is a little too social.

Me: And…?

Teacher: Maybe we should retain her another year to develop.

Me: To develop what, new friendships with different kids that will require her to be even more social?  The state of Indiana doesn’t even require that kids attend Kindergarten…

I could go on, but as you can see I’m prepared to be quite defensive of my child if need be.

Oh, My…

 

My last few runs have been decent of late, pleasant really.  Only some minor difficulties post run.  Today I did three lonely miles on the treadmill (while an unknown assailant bombarded me with horrific gas) and then spent another 25 minutes on the elliptical.  I decided to keep the weekly mileage slightly down from my planned training but to spend a little more time on the elliptical to at least keep my cardio training up so that I don’t completely die during the half in May.  It may be a poorly planned/executed plan but it’s all I’ve got to save my feet.

The other day when I mowed the grass the two hairy children were allowed inside, unattended for the duration of said lawn care time.  Now, LeRoy, the old dog is a trustworthy bloke who is prone to acting like “Nana” from Peter Pan and mothering the children.  Most every night he can be found guarding the girls room, rarely ever barks, and never ever CHEWS.

He is either in the hallway in front of the girls door or sleeping in their room every night.

 

The new kid on the block, Hector, has some rough edges.  Really rough edges… He’s gonna need some more time and training in order to be left alone, seeing as he did this in a matter of an hour while I mutilated the lawn.

 

I haven’t decided if he hates the cubs or really likes the taste of my husbands head.  In any case this hat has seen better days and now Hector has an appointment to remove his manhood courtesy of the hubs. 

 

What has your dog destroyed lately?