Get Off the Phone

 

Fourty minutes spent in the “sweat box” otherwise known as my front porch and I am miserable.  I trudged through 4 miles, wished the whole time that lighting would strike and disable my electricity so that the treadmill would die a horrible death.  But alas there was not a cloud in the sky and I paid the electric bill for last month, so I kept moving forward. 

Perspective, right!!! I’ll stop complaining.

You should see the amount of sweat on the front of my treadmill after today.  It might even constitute as a bath for it. Little girl #2 referred to me as juicy when I came inside, which I still can’t decide if I should be offended by…

Since my move last year I have had to do a whole lot more driving to and from work than I ever have in past.  I have come to the conclusion that other drivers suck, and I shouldn’t have to deal with their stupidity.  GET OFF YOUR PHONE WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING.  YOU WILL KILL SOMEONE OR YOURSELF!!!.  That’s all.

How Else Am I Going to Know I Stink?

 

Anger and hatred do not adequately express the appropriate feeling I have had towards my computer over this last week.  Many a thought has crossed my mind of just tossing it out the second floor window at home and watching it explode on the concrete, or taking a bat to the darn thing a few thousand times.  And just when I begin to come to terms with the thought that my 4 year old laptop might be wheezing its last breath I realize I have been mad at the wrong inanimate object!!!!

The wi-fi switch somehow just magically turns itself off rending my internet useless.  I would repeatedly turn the internet switch back on and just as quickly it would be turned off again.   And then I started to notice a pattern.  Clue #1- no one else in the house seemed to have difficulty with this problem. Clue #2- it happened every time I get on the computer which just happens to be after my runs. Clue #3- it’s me and I’m dumb. (I mean it only took a week for me to figure out what was going on.)  I hate technology (that I don’t understand).

Every time I go to download my daily run from my Garmin 405 I have to use the ANT+ stick to transfer the data and every time I tried to do that it would shut off my internet!!!! WTF!!!!! I have had this watch and computer for around the same time and this is the first time I have had this problem.  From what I can figure, Garmin is doing some sort of fancy upgrade on its website for downloading activities but it can’t yet support the 405 (shocker!), rendering the product only half useful in my eyes.  I rely on that little bugger to tell me just how mediocre I ran so that I can pretend that I am going to get better.  What am I supposed to do if I can’t do that????

I’m just lost right now and I can’t even begin to express how mad I am at Garmin. I ran 5 miles today and I really wanted to look at my splits without using that dang bezel on the watch.  I know, I know, I’m whining about silly problem.  But they are my problems, and they are all I've got.

You better step up your game Garmin. This is not a happy girl.

Lessons Learned Today

After 3 agonizing miles at 0630 this morning in some humid 75 degree heat I realized I recently have learned a few lessons.

 

Lesson #1- I have grossly undertrained for the race this weekend. Seeing that I'm a lazy slob I'm not sure why I thought intermittent running would get me ready for a 4 mile race. Also not really varying the speed or incline on the treadmill will severely limit your ability to run outside. Who knew? Ok so I knew that but I was hoping for some magical event to happen that would make me run fast and look good all at the same time. Still waiting on that...

 

Lesson #2- I hate the heat. The treadmill provides me with the ability for comfort. I have my fan, Sydney Bristow, and a cold bottle of water at my disposal through out my run. A back country road provides me no comfort. And this whole getting hot at the crack of dawn thing is getting old fast. I like cold weather running for outside. Until I move to Alaska to run I'm going to continue to complain about the heat and humidity.

 

Lesson #3- Country folk are more considerate drivers. This was the most pleasant lesson today. As I have been in Minier all week (AKA middle of nowhere) I have been able to utilize the back roads for my torture sessions. Every time a car/truck/tractor/semi has been headed my way it has not only slowed down considerably but it has also driven on the other side of the road and the driver waved to me. Now they might have been just making sure I was not on the verge of death as it may have appeared, or as I like to think it, they are just nice people. That and if they hit me, it's more than likely they will actually know me and have to tell my parents they smeared me across the road.

 

Lesson #4- I better start cross training. This is just fact. I will never get better or be in better shape if I don't do that. The question is what to do for a cross train?

 

In other news, little girl #2 decided that it would be a good idea to take a poo in the wagon outside in the driveway for us to find later. My conversation with her went like this:

 

Me: Did you poop in the wagon?

LG2: Yes I did.

Me: Why did you do that?

LG2: I was trying to be funny.

Touché little girl, touché.

 

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Phyllis is in a better place now.

 

The other evening the girls were is bed, the dishes were done and the house was in a relative state of clean (I can’t enjoy down time unless the house is clean), so I decided to sit down with “Phyllis” and enjoy a good book.  Who is Phyllis you might ask?  Well, Phyllis is my Kindle and she is the best Christmas present that a husband could have even given.  I settled in with Phyllis and a nice hot cup of coffee (Yes coffee in the evening) and much to my horror, she would not turn on.

Panic set in!!!  I started goggling all the troubleshooting that would fix my frozen Phyllis.  Nothing worked so I put her on the charger overnight and started over in the morning with Dr. Goggle trying to revive her poor spirit.  After many failed attempts at resuscitation I went to plan B.  I called Kindle support (Bum bum bum, insert dramatic music).  Of course they spent an hour having me do many of the same things that I had already done, and then “Ali” my Kindle specialist, had me put Phyllis on to charge on the computer instead of the wall. (Side bar: it was funny to hear the tech refer to her as Phyllis as they could see that was her registered name)  She said she would call me back in an hour an a half and we would try one last ditch effort. 

Well after 3 hours (Rude) of waiting on a call (I felt like I was in high school waiting on a boy to call) I decided to call them.  Of course I couldn’t get “Ali” but I did get “Dan”. (They must only hire people with three letter names at Amazon.)  I gave my explanation all over again to Dan and he finished the last ditch effort to try and shock Phyllis to life.  It was at this time that Dan pronounced her dead.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am now lost and couldn’t possibly pick up an actual book to read.  I have so much to read and it’s all siting there in cyber space taunting me in the form of a frozen Virginia Woolf screensaver.  Amazon was very sorry for my loss and seeing that I have had this Kindle for well over a year it was no longer under warranty.  They could however offer me a REFURBISHED(read=someone else's broke down junk) kindle for $85 in replacement.  Seriously???  Who could replace Phyllis????

 

RIP Phyllis…

I am now going into mourning and a self imposed reading exile until someone can bring Phyllis back to me.

Sweat Much?

 

You know what is awesome about getting close to race day?  Tapering!!!!  Just an excuse to run a little less and still feel superior.  In all actuality I just wasn’t feeling it today so I spent the majority of my time on the elliptical machine (30 minutes) and then ran a mile and a half at warp speed.  Translation= a 10 min mile.  I wish I could say that I was joking but this girl has really slid a long way from where she was last summer.  I should probably have given up a long time ago and went to hide in a hole somewhere until I can be of more use.  Stupid feet!

This was the look on my face the whole mile…horror.

 

Here is a question for you, how can someone run for 40 minutes and not sweat at all?  Now I would like for you all to believe that this is me, and I’m so in shape I never sweat.  But seriously,  there is a girl who frequents the gym around the time that I do and I see her run for longer than I do and girl never breaks a sweat.  She’s breathing heavy and seems to be putting in serious effort but not a drop of perspiration to be found!!!  It’s unnatural and scares me.  I’m a dripping mess 10 minutes into any type of exertion. Just ask the towel that I have to carry around to mop myself up after a run.

At least I’m not this guy…

 

And by the way, you know who you are and you should be ashamed!!! Stop parking in the handicapped parking spots when you obviously are not handicapped and you are just running into subway to pick up a foot long meatball sub.  That space is legally NOT YOURS!!!

Biggest Loser Fail

 

4 miles completed on the treadmill and then another 15 minutes spent on the elliptical staring at the blue hairs while they walked and talked passed gas around me.  Why is it that I can feel fine while in the act of running but hurt so bad an hour after being done?  It doesn’t make any sense to me.  Maybe I should take up water aerobics instead, seems less dangerous and less injury prone…

People have so much fun here and I could defiantly tell who was farting in the pool.

I haven’t watched biggest loser in the last few seasons.  Mainly because I felt so horrible while eating a pint of ice cream while watching other work out.  But on Tuesday when I put in some TM time at the gym after work someone had tuned into Biggest Loser and I forgot my ear buds, so Bob Harper it was.  Of course I wasn’t disappointed by the “plot”.  Contestants were going to walk off the show because they heard that all the old contestants of that season were coming back for a challenge where they could possibly earn a spot back on the show. 

Really?!?!?!? Anyone who has seen Biggest Loser knows that there is always a challenge where someone gets a chance to come back!!!  And then they brought in the lawyer to explain to the current contestants about the CONTRACTS they signed.  Which clearly states what will happen in the show, by the way. 

You signed a contact!!! You should have to honor it.  Quite whining and complaining about a legally binding contract that you signed in order to get some free personal training and life changing advice.  When is it ok to decided that you shouldn’t have to honor your word?  I’m lost with this one.  Grow up people!!!

Sure Bob, I'll be on next season.

Oh, My…

 

My last few runs have been decent of late, pleasant really.  Only some minor difficulties post run.  Today I did three lonely miles on the treadmill (while an unknown assailant bombarded me with horrific gas) and then spent another 25 minutes on the elliptical.  I decided to keep the weekly mileage slightly down from my planned training but to spend a little more time on the elliptical to at least keep my cardio training up so that I don’t completely die during the half in May.  It may be a poorly planned/executed plan but it’s all I’ve got to save my feet.

The other day when I mowed the grass the two hairy children were allowed inside, unattended for the duration of said lawn care time.  Now, LeRoy, the old dog is a trustworthy bloke who is prone to acting like “Nana” from Peter Pan and mothering the children.  Most every night he can be found guarding the girls room, rarely ever barks, and never ever CHEWS.

He is either in the hallway in front of the girls door or sleeping in their room every night.

 

The new kid on the block, Hector, has some rough edges.  Really rough edges… He’s gonna need some more time and training in order to be left alone, seeing as he did this in a matter of an hour while I mutilated the lawn.

 

I haven’t decided if he hates the cubs or really likes the taste of my husbands head.  In any case this hat has seen better days and now Hector has an appointment to remove his manhood courtesy of the hubs. 

 

What has your dog destroyed lately?

I’m getting a fanny pack

 

Four miles on the treadmill today. Done!!!  And it wasn’t so bad today either.  I managed just under an 11 min mile most of the time and it felt very comfortable.  Maybe things are starting to look up now.  My left heel was fine during the run though I am now at home icing it due to some pain, though not anywhere near where it was pre injection. 

I did have a possible admirer who chose to use the treadmill directly to my right.  He might have been wearing a fanny pack of some sort and kept talking to me even though I was clearly wearing ear buds and singing to my self the entire run.  In fact he spent about 10 min “getting ready” to walk by facing me and fiddling with his ipod (I timed it I know).  I don’t know, maybe fanny packs could be sexy.

I told you it’s sexy. Hey there Steve…

So I broke down and purchased some new work shoes and I’m kicking myself for not doing so earlier.  You never realize how broken down your shoes are until you get some new ones and experience your feet walking on clouds.

These are the shoes (Sauconey Hurricane 14) I am now wearing for my 14 hour work days and I am thinking of marrying them in June.  We plan on making a happy life together.

Now I’m off to make some homemade noodles this afternoon.  Chicken and noodles for dinner. Come on over I’m making mashed taters too!!!

I’d be the first one gone in a horror movie

 

Today was supposed to be a 6 mile run, but because I’m behind on my schedule I did 5.  Lets just be honest about it, I couldn’t do 6 miles today if Freddy Kruger were chasing me down at midnight.  I couldn’t get over an 11 minute mile to save my life.  I’d be more depressed about my lack of ability if it wasn’t for the fact that a 5 mile run hasn't happened in a long time, so it made me feel slightly more accomplished than, oh say, Snooki or Lindsay Lohan.  I had to keep bouncing back and forth in my music to find songs to keep me going after the first 2 miles.  But at least I can say that it’s done.  So BOO YA!!!

Totally winning!!!

 

 

When I was young and dreamed of having kids I didn’t really thing through the thought of them getting older.  That dream always involved a baby but never the older child.  Well, I had a reality check yesterday.  My oldest daughter turned 6!!!  I think I actually saw her get older yesterday right before my eyes.  And she didn’t even ask permission.  In fact I’ve been telling her for years to stop growing, but does she listen?  It’s quite rude of her to disobey her mother.

What a ham.  Always posing!!!

We had a bowling party at a local place with the other little girls from her Kindergarten class as well as some cousins who are around her age.  It was pretty fun…for her.  I spent most of the time pondering how quickly this all seemed to happen.  Over all I thought it went well and Little girl #1 said it was “Awesome”.  (I know, I throw a great party!!!)  After the may lay was over I have to settle the bill with the server who did an amazing job keeping the drinks filled and the pizza around.  Somehow I got it in my head that the bowling lanes were $10 per lane per hour, which would have totaled $40. So when the receipt had double that on it I was a little shocked to say the least.  I ended up getting a manage and arguing for the price I was quoted on the phone until they re-rang my ticket.  Then I got home and double checked the notes I had made while talking with the event coordinator just to confirm that I was right.  Much to my horror I WAS WRONG.  I’ll even say it again cause it doesn’t happen very often, I WAS WRONG. 

It’s hard for me to believe too.

I felt awful, so very, very, awful.  I called my husband who was still out and about and made him go back to tell the server that I was a giant ninny head and was wrong and pay for the rest of the ticket.  Of course, he wasn’t keen on being the one to go but I made sure that he let them know I was the one who screwed this up.  I guess I’ll never be able to show my face there again.  I’ll have to change my hairstyle and speak in a British accent so they won't know who I am if I ever go back.

 

Don’t you hate it when your wrong????

I’m now an accountant

 

Because my Dad seems to think that doughnuts are the perfect breakfast food my Saturday run was a bit spoiled.  You see, doughnuts make me happy and feel all warm and fuzzy.  And Saturday was cold outside, and who wants to go outside and sweat balls when your all nice and fuzzy.  Not this girl.  So I postponed my 4 mile run to Sunday.  (Not to mention my sister was in town on Saturday and I can’t be running with people who look better in tights than I do, so I convinced her that we should take a “rest” day. And the evil plot thickens.)

Exactly!!!

Anyhoo, I managed to squeak out 4.5 miles on Sunday after Church and then another 3 today on the treadmill.  Today was defiantly a recovery run, seeing as that I haven’t run 4.5 miles in a long while and my legs and heels were screaming about it.  So I took it really slow today, almost speed walking, but I guess I feel better for it.  And after seeing pictures of myself at the “Surprise” party I decided that it might be in my best interest to add weight lifting to my plan.

I’m pretty sure this is how I look when lifting heavy things.

 

Score one for me, I got the taxes done last night and I didn’t even pull out enough hair to make a bald spot.  I think this is the first year we have completed our taxes before the end of March. We got a letter in December stating that our tax guy had retired,(Rude!) but that company he worked for would be glad to keep taking out money and letting some other Joe Schmo do our taxes for us.  Sure, take this $200 and wait for ever to file it, person I don’t know and have never met.  So I did what any sane person would do, I did them with the help of my new friend, TurboTax.  She’s great, a budding friendship that could potentially turn into a serious romance.  I suspect that we will see each other again in the future.  She feeds into the whole, me having control over everything, issues that I have.  And she saved me over a hundred bucks so we are pretty tight now. BFF’s really.  Don’t be jealous.

Only one more day of my Staycation, what should I do????

Surprise…

 

There was a time that I had considered myself to be an observant person.  But apparently my grey and aging brain has lost a step.  Crap!!!  There were so many signs earlier in the week, stupid questions from friends, shady dealings with the husband, and people being weird.  I should have seen it coming.  I should have known…

 

 

I didn’t exactly have the reaction that my husband wanted.

 

Big D was pretty bummed that my first reactions was a poor one.  Let’s just be honest, I was a little pissed off.  He took me to dinner and fed me a line about wanting to stop by a party for a friend and that we would just make an appearance.  Well much to my horror I walked into a room filled with a bunch of my so called “friends”.  A real friend might have tipped me off so that I could have washed my hair!!!

Kathy, I know my hair was bad, but you could at least open your eyes and pretend I look good.

Same goes to you Cheryl!!!

At least there was cake.

And this isn’t just any cake, its “Joanne” cake.  Joanne is my best friends mom, who makes cake of many sorts.  In fact she made my wedding cake.  I would do devious things just to get a piece of this cake.  So at least this party had a redeeming factor.  My family also showed up to rub my age in my face.

I don’t understand why my brother couldn’t drive from Florida for this party???? And hey there grizzly Adams.

Smile now.  You know what payback is like?

I have to say that over all I had a good time.  Yes it was a rocky start but I woun’t kill anybody just yet over it.

Don’t do it, you can still eat cake.

I’m just going to have to hone my observation skills and prepare for a counter attack.  You will never know when it will happen oh, husband of mine, but it will happen, and it will be swift and you will be surprised!!!

Rub it in my face, will ya?

Look out 31, here I come.

Get on your own side!!!

 

Yesterday involved a trip to the foot doctor who remolded some orthotics that I couldn’t get to fit right.  So I was interested to see how my feet would feel on todays 3 mile run.  Oddly enough, I was fine.  I just worry to much.  In fact I ran 3.5 miles today because I was feeling pretty good.  Of course it was a snails pace, but who cares, I did it and didn’t stop during the whole run.  I just want to get myself back to the place I was last summer with running.  Mainly back in shape and not dreading the start of the run. 

This is my running schedule that I will loosely follow up until the half marathon in Indy on May 5th.  Since my work days are never the same these days get moved around but as long as I can get 4 days of running in I know I will be fine. (Please note: this is not a training plan for speed.) Us losers just want to finish and not die.

I would also like to thank whom ever parked next to me today at the gym.  I was lucky to even get in my car, thank goodness I didn’t have any kids with me to try to load in cause there would have been some scratching going on whilst trying to fit my butt and a kid in between there.

 

It’s a good thing I was between the lines.

A special thanks to my awesome pal Cindy who hooked me up with an iTunes gift card for my birthday.  I was able to purchase both of Adele’s albums

as well as Florence + the Machine

and the Foo Fighters greatest hits. 

And if you don’t like Foo you can just go cry to your mamma cause I don’t care.  Dave Grohl and I are BFF’s.  Sorry bout ya!!!

A personal photographer would be nice

 

Ok, so maybe my prediction of the end of the world on Monday was a little askew, but I still feel old.  I did manage to drag the old decrepit bones out of bed today and to the gym for some TM time.  By the way, I can’t wait for some nicer weather.  That treadmill is going to slowly suck my soul from me.  I have to “formulate a plan, or end up in jail, or shot.” (Thank you Eminem)  But seriously, now that I am actually following a training plan and doing my best to stick with it, I’m going to need to switch it up with some runs in different locals to keep my ADD self interested.

White trash crush, right there.

I did manage the 3 miles that the plan called for today and spent the rest of my hour of cardio on the elliptical.  Today I listened to a new station.  How have I never thought of cueing the Glee radio on Pandora.  Two words: Kill Er.  I need to change my music that I listen to while running as much as I need to change the trail.  I get to board and loose interest. (Is it possible to have ADD and OCD at the same time?) 

Doesn’t everybody know their own Sue Sylvester?

I guess the gym was slightly different today seeing as how it was like running in bar!  A mile into my run Ms. Swisher Sweet hopped on next to me.  At least smoke your cigarette and then change your clothes or something.  The smell was so strong I seriously considered changing treadmills.  But then I was worried about making a scene and possibly hurting someone's feeling.  But then again why should I care because she didn’t care about my nostrils.  I really need to be nicer…

The hubs got me some flowers for valentines day.  Pretty, no?

 

It was Sarah’s birthday too.  She got a pretty nifty sock monkey hat.

I also did go out for my birthday on Monday and met up with some friends at Charlie's, which is a pub where I can get a free hamburger on my birthday.  And since I’m a tightwad we went where the free stuff is.  I had an excellent time and hope to do it again a decade from now before I enter my assisted living facility.

Free fishbowls!!!!

 

Cindy and Amber HOTTTTTT

Apparently when you are having fun, you forget to take pictures. Cause I ain’t got none…